Ranger's Apprentice Feedback

• English
• Middelbare school
• havo, vwo
• Leerjaar 2

Essay feedback

Most common issues 

Analysis

Organization

Language

A lot of writing that I liked

• Creatively chosen heroes
• Beautiful accompanying art
• Very detailed comparisons to Will
• Some really good writing structures 

Analysis

• Stick to the PEE-method. Premise-evidence-elaboration. So start body paragraph with topic sentence, use quote or detailed evidence and explain its correspondence to your thesis. 
• This was an essay about the Ranger's Apprentice, and some of you barely wrote about Will! You needed to show your understanding of the novel, and prove your comparison in the second paragraph! 

What is good about the following excerpt from one of your papers: 

Elsa is a great example of an unlikely hero, because she and Will share many similar characteristics. Will is very curious, because he asks his battlemaster/ teacher Halt about everything. Like on Morgarath's defeat: "Remember you told me how a Ranger was responsible for Morgarath's defeat?" 'Mmmm', Halt grunted. "Well, I was just wondering, what was the Ranger's name?" Will asked. 'Names aren't important.' Halt said. Will wants to know everything because he is very curious.

What was good about this?

Analysis

This student provided close-read, in depth evidence for her claim.

Layout and Organization

Why is this a good title? 

Rangers of Hogwarts

Longe Range

Layout and Organization

Read the following excerpt from one of your papers: 

When I am talking about growth, I am also talking about their growth in relationships. If I look at friendship (Will's perspective) I know that he made (up) with one guy. That is Horace. Just a quote from the book: “Horace, we may have fought in the past,” he said. “But I don’t hate you. I never hated you.” “If you ever need a friend, if ever you need help, you can call on me.” (page 161).

What is good about this excerpt?

Layout and Organization

Read the following excerpt from one of your papers: 

When I am talking about growth, I am also talking about their growth in relationships. If I look at friendship (Will's perspective) I know that he made (up) with one guy. That is Horace. Just a quote from the book: “Horace, we may have fought in the past,” he said. “But I don’t hate you. I never hated you.” “If you ever need a friend, if ever you need help, you can call on me.” (page 161).

What could be improved?

Layout and Organization

• Avoid "floating quotations." Instead, always introduce and integrate the source that you use.
• In addition, cite your source in brackets 

Holland said that “you couldn’t hit me hard enough to stop me from doing it” (Jones).  

Layout and Organization

Read the following excerpts,  one about Tom Holland (the actor who plays Spider-Man and one about Hagrid from Harry Potter: 

Holland said that “you couldn’t hit me hard enough to stop me from doing it” (Jones). 

But then his rescue came. On his eleventh birthday, a man named Hagrid stormed in

and said, "You're a wizard Harry."

Layout and Organization

Tip: use "justify text" alignment 

Language

What could be improved in the following excerpt: 

Even though Miles is Spider-Man he still is an unlikely hero, Miles was bitten by a spider when he was spray painting on the subway with his uncle Miles had to switch schools because his father wanted him to Miles did not want to switch school because he had all his friends in his old school.

Language

Rewrite the following excerpt: 

One of the main reasons they won was because of Katniss her bow and arrow skills which leads us the one thing they really have in common, they are both really good with the bow/long distance weapons

Language

My unlikely hero is Taylor Swift and I am going to tell you some information about her, I picked her as my unlikely hero because I really like her songs and also just her in different context.

Language

The most common language issue was "run-on sentences." 

Language

What could be improved in the following excerpt: 

Unfortunately on June 2017, the stepfather of harry robin died because of cancer.

Rewrite: Unfortunately on June 2017, the stepfather of harry robin died because of cancer.

Language

Possessives:

This is the car of my friend

this is the house of my friends

This is my friend's car

This is my friends' house 

Language

What could be improved in the following excerpt: 

 "It’s also a great technique to get at the other

side of the field very fast."

Rewrite: It’s also a great technique to get at the other side of the field very fast.

Language

Adjective/adverb: 

 "It’s also a great technique to get at the other

side of the field very fast."

Language

What could be improved in the following excerpt: 

Eva de Goede became two years in row the best hockey player in the world and played in three Olympics.

Rewrite: Eva de Goede became two years in row the best hockey player in the world and played in three Olympics.

Language

Eva de Goede became two years in row the best hockey player in the world and played in three Olympics.

Word order: 

SVO-place-time

Eva de Goede became the best hockey player two years in a row, and she played in three Olympics. 

Language

What could be improved in the following excerpt: 

Tom Holland has shown that he is better than the bullies thought. Tom Holland was a little boy when he went to school (Donhead Preparatory School in the south- west of londen) .He used to dance (ballet) as a sport, while most people played football or lacross at the time, but he liked dancing the most. Tom Holland told Jess Cagle (in an interview) that he had was bullied about dancing and stuff.

What could be improved?

Language

Brackets: don't use brackets to include information you could include in the actual text. 

Rewrite?

If your grade is lower than 12 in total, you are allowed to re-write your paper. Communicate to me when you hand it in again, and ask me questions anytime!