- No subject line after the salutation
- Paragraphs are out of order
- Paragraph 3 explains why Kevin is the right person (should be later).
- Paragraph 2 mixes why he’s interested with why he’s right and how he found the job.
- Some parts are missing details, like when he can start or what he sends with the letter.
- Ending is a little informal ("I hope I see you soon!")
- The salutation is too casual ("Hallo Sir"), not formal enough.